Contemplation
by Scifiroots
Summary: A short experiment written in the you POV. MalSimon


Contemplation

By Clarity Scifiroots  
2nd person POV exercise  
**Spoilers**: "Safe"  
Regular Disclaimers apply.  
September 20, 2005  
**Summary**: A short experiment written in the "you" POV. _Mal/Simon_

It's near impossible to pin down what a man like Mal is feeling at any given moment. There's the assumption that he only likes very certain people, for example; and he has a distinct set of unwritten rules that he expects you to follow. You know that you break those rules more often than you follow them, and you know that sometimes he can hardly stand to speak to you. You know all of this and more—you put Mal and his ship and his crew in danger; he's certainly told you so often enough. Yet Mal will unexpectedly break from his habits and all you thought you knew is scattered. There's no rhyme or reason to these breaks, no explanation that suits your logical reasoning.

You saw _Serenity_ take off, abandoning you without so much as a hesitation. You knew—you were _so sure_—that you'd be stranded forever with your sister in dire medical need in a backwater community ready to praise you like a saint. You knew you said something horribly wrong when Doralee backed away with horror clearly written across her face. You were sure you would burn to death (you would die so lonely) with your arms around your sister, wishing that you could spare her this pain. Then everything falls apart as you realize that you recognize the sound of roaring engines as those of _Serenity_'s; your unlikely rescuers round the corner of one of the wooden buildings and you cannot forget the look of fierce protectiveness in Mal's eyes. (_Big damn heroes... Ain't we just._)

You want to know why. Why come back for troublemakers? Why come back for someone he doesn't even like? You're crew, he said. _You're on my crew._ You feel like a passenger, though, you think you're yet another shipment for _Serenity_ to eventually deliver—you just don't know where... or when.

Nothing seems amiss on the surface, but by now you know that appearances are often deceptive. You watch him now, not that you worry about him kicking you off at the nearest port when things heat up, but because you are waiting for the next moment when his routine fails; you are waiting to glimpse the emotions he hides. You wait, unsure what you want to see.

"That cannot be quantified," River says. She watches you with a pensive gaze as if she is studying a complex calculus problem. "The calculations do not fit the answer," she says, now speaking as if she is trying to explain the problem she sees before her; you cannot see what she sees.

"The data have been over-analyzed," she tries again. You think of Mal and the questions you long to have answered. River shakes her head with a small smile. "I have a silly brother."

You hear him, then; "I'd agree with that." You turn your head to see him and realize when you cautiously meet his gaze that you are holding your breath. Mal glances away for a moment, then cocks his head (self-consciously, you think) when he says, "Could use some help in the kitchen."

Your face heats and you look quickly to the chronometer on the counter. "I apologize, I hadn't realized the time," you stutter.

Mal's expression is bemused; you wonder why. Is it always "_why_ "?

"C'mon, Doc. River, Kaylee has a new game to teach you; she's in the engine room." You watch your sister skip happily out the door. Mal smiles at you and you know it's because of River's enthusiasm.

"She's a helluva kid."

You study his face and wish you knew what he was thinking. Maybe River does. You hear yourself say, "Yes... yes, she is."

You're ready to leave but it seems Mal doesn't plan on moving. You watch with interest as his eyes roam around the room, gazing at everything but you; he does that a lot, you realize. You duck your head, nervous about being caught staring, but you can't resist sneaking a glance through your eyelashes. Now he stares at you, his eyes slowly combing over every inch of your body and you swear that you can feel it like a physical touch. Gooseflesh makes your skin tingle. When his wandering gaze stops, you hold your breath as he focuses on your face for a moment and then stares openly at your crotch. You feel like you should move your hands to cover yourself even though you're fully clothed. Nervously you check yourself, wondering if inadvertently you've got an erection—but no, you're safe. Then you look at him and realize that he has his thumb hooked through a belt loop and his fingers are trembling as he strokes himself. You gasp quietly and jerk your gaze up to his. He meets your stare unflinchingly and you see that he wonders the same thing as you: _Why?_

You walk forward and cover his hand with your own. You breathe in when he breathes out and watch as his eyelids flutter shut. His free hand touches your waist and slips around to your back. His warm hand slides comfortingly along your spine and you lean against him, resting your head on his shoulder. This feels good, this is what you need... it's what you've wanted.

"Why does this feel like the answer?" he murmurs.

You wonder the same thing. "I don't know," you reply.

_The calculations do not fit the answer_.

You once knew the unspoken rules of the ship; you once crossed those lines just to irritate the captain. There was a time you thought you knew everything or at least could learn about the rest in due time.

_I have a silly brother_.

Maybe River is right.

**Fin**


End file.
